Thursday, March 25, 2010

Trying to change what I can..

As you may have gathered, I have been working at losing weight. The weight I gained when I got married. Since January, I have been trying to whittle away at the substantial amount of weight. It's a battle, and for as hard as I'm working, I keep expecting to lose it quicker. One thing is for sure, once it's off, there is no way I am letting myself get back there. It's just not worth it. Plus I feel an amazing amount better when I eat right and exercise. Blah, blah, blah Caity.. get to the point.

The point. It's really hard work to lose weight, and even harder to look like society tells us to. I have talked about this before, but I feel really strongly about it. Maybe with this post, I can try to find ways to actually change, instead of just talking/whining about it. Why do I walk down the street and have feelings of insecurity? Why do I walk into a party full of skinny girls and suddenly feel inadequate? Why are the first thoughts racing through my mind when I get dressed in the morning, "Oh man, I don't look that great.. how come I can't be skinnier, prettier, better?"

It's horrible isn't it? Now guys may be thinking "What's the big deal? Who cares what you look like?" Well guys, step into girl world.

Girl's face what the media tells us all girls should look like. Are your upper legs touching? Are your clothes in fashion? Are your teeth white enough? You wear a size what in jeans?

A long while ago, while I was still single, and was a size 10. A perfectly healthy size. (And believe me, I would love to be a size 10 right now!) I was walking with my friend who also was perfectly healthy, and might I add gorgeous? We were in the middle of talking when a jeep drove past, filled with young guys. Screaming at the top of their lungs. "Lose some weight!" and kept driving.

I still vividly remember that. It still haunts me. Still get a twinge of hurt from it. Especially now, when I'm bigger than I was then. I'm sure these boys had no idea of how hurtful that was for me and my friend. How we sat silent for a second and felt the venom of their words. I can't help but think that they had an idea of what was beautiful to them. Maybe they only dated girls that were size 2 and under. There was a "club" of boys from my high school that had that rule. Or maybe they were used to seeing movie stars and models that looked different than us. It makes me incredibly sad to think that these boys aren't understanding how hard it is to be that small for most girls. How a lot of what the media is showing you is airbrushed, false, and unhealthy.

I don't mean to be on a soapbox, I really don't. I just think things like feeling good about yourself and having a positive outlook on yourself is really important. There are girls every day being born and raised in homes where mother's tell them they need to be skinny, instead of stressing self confidence and loving yourself.

I want to be part of the change. I struggle every day. Did you hear that? EVERY day. With insecurity. From the morning when I wake up and put on my clothes, through out the whole day, and when I go to bed thinking about how I could be better. How I need to lose more weight. And I would bet money I'm not alone. I bet there are plenty of other girls with the same or worse insecurities. I know there are. Most of my girl friends at one time or another have told me about them.

Some might say I am being extreme. That I am the minority. Not all girls think this way. And they might be right. I know a handful of girls who are extremely healthy about how they look at themselves. But each of those girls also feel like there is pressure for them to be a whole lot skinnier.

How do we change this? I'm not sure. Maybe by stopping the backhanded compliments. "Wow! You look like you have lost sooo much weight! Seriously you must have lost a ton!" No one wants to feel like they were an elephant. Or "Wow, how much did you lose?" Or even, "You've lost weight.. {insert awkward silence} What happened to the good old fashioned "Wow, you look great."?

Maybe a change could be made by encouraging children to eat healthy and by being active with them. Not saying things about their weight, and expecting them to find a way to handle that. That's how eating disorders are bred. Maybe we could help children eat healthier and educate them. Encourage them to play outside, or enroll them in a Karate class or soccer. And you know what? If they are huge, and unhealthy, and not willing to be active.. I still strongly believe it's vitally important to help them realize they are still AMAZING, and loved, and have so many great qualities. That they can still have confidence in themselves.

Maybe we as girls could stop buying those magazines that display sickeningly emaciated girls. Maybe we could find beauty in an individuals personality and not just their looks. Maybe at the next party or function you go to, you could remind yourself to compliment someone on their humor, or their friendliness. Maybe you could focus on what these people are saying and not worry about how you don't look as good as them. One of the best compliments I have received was "Caity, I feel like I have known you for years. You are so easy to be myself around, it's comfortable being with you." Looks fade. Money comes and goes. I think it's more important to realize our self worth.

My biggest goal right now is to realize that everyone has flaws. Every girl is probably so focused on their flaws that they aren't even looking at yours. And if they are, who needs 'em? I don't. I surround myself with friends who love me for me. Who aren't friends with me, because of my looks, my money, or my possessions.

I know this sounds silly, but I really think if we as girls woke up every morning and thought about our good qualities, and what we could do to buoy each other up. The world would be improved just a smidge.

I am all for being healthy. For looking great. For taking care of ourselves. For complimenting beauty inside and out. But I am also all for cutting yourself some slack, and realizing no one is perfect. Realizing that it's more important to be a good person, a giving, kind, friendly person than being really skinny, really rich, really pretty. I encourage all of us girls to try a little harder to change this horrible stigma.

You don't have to comment, but I would love to hear what you think. Or ideas you have to improve.


Jess said...

Amen. And I love you!

Gibbons said...

I am only friends with you because of your money ;) I love you and girl I am feeling EVERY word you said. I am trying to change this about myself too.

Lindsey said...

Oh, I think we all feel it. I definitely feel it now that I have had Lucy and have all of this baby weight, that isn't coming off so easy.
It's important for me to raise her though, so she is confident and strong. I think she is beautiful, but I want her to know she is smart and capable and loved.

rYLeE & KaTiE said...

Ok, I loved this post!!! I honestly hated it when I got sick and everyone said "Oh you probably like it because you lost SO much weight..." Um, no I didn't actually. I was throwing up a hundred times a day. And I liked my curves. I am self conscious now that I am a few cup sizes smaller... lol. I am always self conscious as well about having a giant tube coming out of my stomach. It makes me feel so unattractive and so not normal or pretty.

I also always felt super insecure being Asian growing up in a sea of white people. I guess we all have things that make us insecure, and I totally agree with you- it's something you have to work on EVERY SINGLE DAY. People say hurtful things that stick with you and that sucks.

I hope I can strive like you are to become confident in myself no matter what that self looks like... Asian, skinny, fat, feeding tube, no feeding tube, etc. etc. I want my daughters to love themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin.

LOVED THIS POST. Thanks for it. You are such an amazing person and a super fabulous blogger. i heart u!!!

The VIPs said...

totally agree!

H&M said...

Right on chickita!!! Could not have said it better myself! :)